My Truth

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1570657206928511

I, much like most of you, have a family that I love. Without reservation, regardless of political persuasion. Because I know, deep in my bones, that they are good, decent, wonderful humans. We don’t always agree on politics. So some things I will share here on my blog, not link on Facebook. You might say it is because I wam afraid, because I don’t want to engage. All of these are true. I will always try not to damage my relationships with my family. Always.

That being said the link above really articulates how I feel about DT. I am baffled how the very people who taught me to be me, could vote for him. I just simply do not understand. The thing that makes me really sad is that most of them cannot even have a civil conversation about their why. I have actually tried. I think there are so many people like me. Who just do not understand.

Not to spoil the ending…

I have so many thoughts about what happened on Tuesday. Mostly I’m blocking the chatter, the negative, the terrified. I can’t. I just simply can’t.

My friends tease that I am such a glass half full person. A good friend asked me a few weeks ago if I “am always this positive”. The answer is yes. But I will offer that it is mostly a coping mechanism. I know that if I allow myself to focus on the difficult things, the scary things, the sad things, I will not be able to crawl out of that hole. It’s a little bit of self awareness that has served me well. No matter what, I can always say…it’s going to be interesting. And I want to be around for that.

I’ve had a few conversations with close friends. My message to them is the same every time. We have two choices. We spend the next four years worried and angry. Or we can have hope. We can focus on the wonderful things in our lives. KU basketball is starting, the Chiefs are 8-0, my ‘chosen’ family has another precious little girl coming in February, Gina and Eddie are getting married, Kenny and Pam have a great little house to start their lives together in, Andrew will graduate from college in May, everyone is healthy, we are a little more than 6 weeks ’til Christmas, Monday is a holiday. We. Are. So. Very. Blessed.

I know you each have your own blessings list. Take some time and write it down. Look at it as often as you need. Not to spoil the ending…but it’s all going to be okay.

Wow

I just took a short trip through this little ole blog of mine. Much about my move to Lawrence and the pandemic and Kimmy. All heavy stuff. So much has happened since then. Good stuff. It deserves some light as well.

Recently I spent some time with dear friends who have know me forever, smart ones, they are. Creative in so many ways. And I realized that creativity is what is missing in my life. I’m not much of an artist but I do like to write. I think I’m going to stretch that muscle a little more. Perhaps spending time creating will keep me from the doom scroll for the next four years. Here’s hoping.

Dear Kimmy

I guess I am both surprised and not surprised at how much I miss you. I would give anything to sit on the deck and talk to you on the phone. It’s this constant, uncomfortable ache.

I had your Jorge here with me this week. Something about his presence was so comforting. I wondered if he misses you like we do? I wondered if he senses something in me that connects him to you? He was so sweet. A gentle old man. Polite to my dogs and so very gently, curious about Olive. He and Henry were so funny. You know how they fussed at each other when they were younger…not any more. It was like having two sweet old men in the house. They gave each other plenty of room. Coexisted with no fuss.

Life is okay. Nothing really to report. Most of us (the ones you love) are vaccinated. I hope it will lead to some easier times ahead. Kenny is scheduled for a shot the week. Andrew got his first about a week ago. On Friday I will be two weeks out from my second…fully “protected”. Whatever that means.

It’s spring. The trees are budding. The red buds have been absolutely glorious this year. There are so any birds. I have seen so many (SO MANY!!!) cardinals. Every one makes me wonder if what they say is true…that a cardinal is someone visiting from beyond. I hope so.

Love Jenn

Dear Kimmy

March 10, 2020 was a Tuesday. There was quite a bit of news about this “Corona” virus. Things were bad in Italy. The coverage of the cruise ships was concerning. But it didn’t seem real at all. I expect we had some conversation about it…but mostly it was about my preparation for the big move.

March 11, 2020 my boss had a leadership meeting in KC. When he got back to the office just before lunch, he called us all into the conference room (I should make this point that this was the last time I was in a room with people I wasn’t related to without a mask). He explained to us that we should all think about what we might need to take with us if we were going to work from home and that we needed to make sure we could all access everything we needed on our network. Things were starting to cancel. And I was moving in two days and I was planning to take the next two days off. As I was packing up to go home that afternoon, my boss stopped by my office and suggested that I take anything I might need to work from home for an extended period. This was the last day I would be in the office until early June.

Shit was getting real.

March 12, 2020 I closed on my Lawrence house. Driving up the hill to the real estate office, I heard the first rumblings that they might cancel the Big 12 Tournament. We talked about it as I signed the papers. By the time we were done I was a bit nervous and I stopped at the grocery store and the liquor store before I went to the house and spent far too much. Panic buying at it’s finest.

Saturday, Sunday, and Monday are a blur of rain, broken moving trucks, stress, mud everywhere, family and friends who kept showing up…and an underlying anxiety that something bad was about to happen. If we’d only known.

And you were right here the whole time. You talked me off the ledge. Told me it was going to be okay. Tossed shit at me because of all my stuff. I needed you so much that weekend. I don’t know what I’d have done without you. For all the days that came after, the stay at home order, the nieces coming to stay, worrying about the parentals, some big birthdays, a graduation. I remember the first time you guys came over to sit on the deck…”if I come over I’m going to hug you”.

What I would give for a hug right now.

I got my first vaccination today. We may be slowly moving back toward something that resembles normal. But for me it will never be normal ever again.

I love you. I miss you.

Jenn

Dear Kimmy

Hey.

We are almost one year into this Covid thing. Remember this time last year? I was frantically packing, impatient for this move. I’ve always been that way…once I make a decision, I’m ready to go. Right now. So. Very. Patient. I remember being home in KC in the evenings after work and thinking that March 12 was SOOOOOO far away. Funny now.

There were small rumblings of something happening, maybe in China? Maybe in Washington state? You guys had a new puppy and I was so busy that I didn’t get over to see her. Gosh I wish I could do that over. I had a sore throat and a bit of a cough this week. “I cannot get sick. I have far too much to do.” I remember not wanting to touch the bathroom door at work…unsure who may have been there before me. The 40 minute drive to and from work was time for me to listen to NPR and worry about this illness and wonder what will happen. I think this was the week you and Andrew went to see the folks in Texas.

We were all so excited about the Jayhawks and what a great season they were having. I was just sure that I was going to be living in Lawrence when we won another National Championship. If only. Instead I closed on this house the day they cancelled the Big Twelve tourney. And it all went downhill from there.

I remember thinking, in those scary days of March, this is the worst thing ever.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

You’ve been gone a little more that 3 months. And this week we hit the 500,000 milestone, dead from Covid. I don’t know why but it is important for me to remind people that you are not another Covid number. I don’t want you to be a nameless number in that 500,000. And then I feel guilty. Each one of those 500,000 had a sister, or spouse, or child, parents. And to them, it’s just as awful as it is for us. But still.

God I miss you. Everyday.

3 Months

Dear Kimmy,

I never think that I could miss you more. And then the next day comes and I do. It is a solid ache in my soul. Like someone took half of me and I now have to navigate all of this only half full. This grief, the covid, the aging, the parents, your boys. Austin busted some pipes in his house. He navigated it…mostly okay. Andrew, Kenny, Corbin and I helped. He did good. He’ll be okay.

Em turned 9 and we talked so much about the day she was born. How you and Mom and Kenny tried to entertain Ellie ALL DAY. How, after they had visited mom and new sister at the hospital, Bob took Ellie home and she ran crazy right into the kitchen cabinets and knocked herself silly. Its so nice to be all together all of us…well, not really all of us. There is a Kimmy size hole in our togetherness.

Tuesday, Kenny, Andrew, and I are going to Louisiana to see that baby. And to watch the Louisiana nephew in his play. It should be a great trip. It would be so very much better if you were with us.

Love,

Jenn

Dear Kimmy

Margot

She’s beautiful and perfect and everyone is healthy.

And I can’t believe you aren’t here. It’s the weirdest thing ever.

I stood, today, at the the front door. Looking out at the driveway. Waiting for the Chipotle delivery…your nieces were here…we had pizza for dinner last night…I did cook for breakfast, but Chipotle for lunch. Anywhoo…way off track. So. Me. Standing at the door. Looking at the glass and the rain on the driveway and feeling so ridiculously sad that you aren’t here to detest this January rain. And then, later, I was thinking that at 11 and almost 9…Ellie and Emily will have only sketchy memories of you. This is almost unbearable to me. I need to figure out a way to make this different.

And then I got to thinking about our Aunts. Ones who, I expect, loved us as much as we love our nieces and nephews. And I thought how I don’t see them enough or feel very close to them. Two take aways…I need to reach out to our Aunts and Uncles. And I need to make damn sure that as I get older I do not lose track of these people who are so important to me.

And Margot. I know you were so excited for this new little person in our family. How will I make sure she knows who you were…how much you loved her? Shit.

Mom got her first Covid-19 vaccination this week. I cried. I know that this is all so hard and we are all carrying so much stress. But I didn’t expect to be so emotional. Losing you. Worrying about the parentals. Sheesh.

And those Chiefs….another Super Bowl.

God I miss you. So much there isn’t a way to actually articulate how this feels. So much…..

Dear Kimmy

December 18

Today was better, mostly because I kept super busy.

We are taking Petty Xmas on the road. Because of the blasted virus we can’t get together like we always do…and I just couldn’t imagine, after all we have lost, not being together at Christmas. So we are meeting at Sue and Ray’s, dropping off soups to go, Christmas treats…we may even sing a song. Then to Mom and Alan’s and then to Denny and Barb’s. It won’t be the same but it will be us, loving each other the best way we can this awful 2020.

I made cookies. Your peanut butter kiss cookies. And then, just now, your boys called asking for the recipe. Its Christmas and we miss you so much. They are okay, I suppose. Okay has a whole new meaning, but they are soldiering on, sticking close together, focused. I worry about each of them, in equal measure, for different reasons.

It will just be me, Gina, Stephen, and Eddie, and the folks for Christmas…I expect it will be both wonderful to be together and awful to be without so many of you.

I miss you.

Dear Kimmy

December 17, 2017

I haven’t talked to you in 26 days. Never have I gone 26 days without talking to you. Time is funny. It seems very much like time has stopped. But here we are, 26 days since you left us. I blink and a week has passed. Yet I think about the rest of my life and I do not know how I will endure it without you. And time just goes on…

Today I had my annual personnel review with my boss. He said some very nice things. I ‘exceeded’ expectation in most areas. It was humbling. And the whole time, I was thinking…”this is something I would call and tell Kim about”. Who do I call? Who do I tell? I know that I am blessed with so, so many wonderful friends and this family who loves me. But you were my person. The one I could call and talk, about nothing, and everything, whenever, and always. I could call when I was lonely just to hear a voice.

Shit this is hard.

I keep thinking about how pissed you would be that you died. And I really hope you weren’t scared. I held your hand as much as they would let me. I wanted you to know that I was there. I was there. The whole time.

I wish I could express this loss in a way that makes sense. I’ve thought about you and Taylor, Bec and Andi…and I can’t breathe. Someone told me that it isn’t fair to compare one grief to another. I can’t imagine any loss that will hurt more than this one. You were my person. All the other losses that I can imagine, they are ones that we would have faced together. Just like everything else. Jesus…how do I do this?